========================================================================== Yet Shall I Love Thee Winter 1992 by J.H.Loux

"Where can I go from thy Spirit? Or where can I flee from thy presence? If I ascend to heaven, thou art there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, thou are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there thy hand will lead me, and thy right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,' even the darkness is not dark to thee, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to thee." (Psalm 139:7-12)

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

If I could only leave my daughter with one message, one overall impression that she could take with her into her adult life, of all the things that I might tell her or wish for her to remember, there is only one that stands out. I would want her to know in the core of her being and without the slightest hesitation or murmur of a doubt that I love her. Not the hearts and flowers on Valentine's day kind of love, but a love that says she is important to me for who and what she is as a human being. Not only that, but that I always loved her and that I always will love her.

No matter what she does. No matter where she goes. No matter how smart she is in school or if she flunks out of study hall. No matter what she chooses to do with her life, what career she selects, what college she goes to, what friends she has and who or if she marries. No matter what she does, I will always be there for her. I will not stop loving her. Ever. There is nothing she will ever have to do to earn my love and there is nothing she can ever do to extinguish my love. I love her. That is unconditional. I will never abandon her. I will never stop loving her. And I want her to love herself, as well.

I would like my daughter to take with her from her childhood a core of inner self love. I want it to become the sun in the solar system of her whole existence, around which revolves the planets and asteroids, comets and satellites, space debris and stellar flotsam of her adult life. All of her relationships, all of her hobbies. Her work. Her play. Her dreams and her secrets. Her business and her solitude. Her charity and her generosity. Her spirituality. Her accomplishments and her failures. Her playfulness and her seriousness. Her silliness and her leisure. All of her life must revolve around a central star of love. Love of her self, love of her neighbors and love of God.

A person who does not have this sense of inner worth and self image is like a solar system with no star in the middle. All of his external life hangs in space with no center. No illumination. There is no gravitational field of self esteem in which these things can waltz a dance of the planets. No counterbalance of love on which to pivot the weighty worlds of sentiment and reason, emotion and mirth, work and responsibility.

Instead, his life is like the medieval myth of angels pushing around the planets and the stars. Instead of riding smoothly around his inner strength and well being, the particulars of his life spiral off at wicked tangents. He must constantly play the role of guardian angel struggling to keep in orbit all of the rebelling factions of his world. In such a one's life, he exerts a tremendous amount of energy trying to maintain this external image until he is exhausted. He pushes at his job, trying to maintain the corporate image, fill the right role and excel. Meanwhile the comet of his personal life or some meaningful relationship spirals out of orbit. He tries to hold that in place, while suddenly another crisis looms from another quadrant. Perhaps a physical problem or an attack of anxiety. An addiction or an emotional or spiritual disorder that he just can't seem to overcome. He can't quite hold them all together.

More and more energy gets poured into a more chaotic and crazy world until something gives. Oddly and ironically enough, without that center of gravity, his world gets heavier and heavier until it collapses. In AA terminology, this is called 'bottoming out'. No matter how hard he tries, he just can't make his life work. He can't go on forever trying to fit the mold.

All around him he is bombarded by promises of success and fulfillment. Wear the right clothing. Date the right people. Wear the best makeup. Have the most sexual body. Drink the right beer. Smoke the right cigarettes. Belong to the right club. Worship at the right Church. Have the right image. The right life. Look like a magazine cover model. Perform. Accomplish. Possess. But without a central kernel of self love, none of the externals will ever work. There is a flaw in the center of his being and no amount of pushing or taking, striving or lusting, studying or excelling, praying or pursuing, or anything else will ever fix it. They will just be more steam blowing from a broken engine. More dust spiraling around an empty center. As Saint Augustine put it, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O God."

A mentality like this is to put the cart before the horse. In a healthy personality, the externals of one's life; the job, the clothing, the relationships, the work, the play, the hobbies; must all flow out of a sense of fulfillment and excitement in life. You must do these things because you feel good about yourself, not in order to feel good about yourself. You must first love that person who looks back at you from the bathroom mirror first thing in the morning. That's the person you have to love. If you don't love that person, no amount of makeup, romances, successes, luxuries, vacations, promotions, lauds and awards, prayers or possessions will ever make you any more attractive.

But if you feel good about yourself for who you are and not for how you rate, then all of these aspects of your life can flow from that sense of inner fulfillment. All of the planets of your life, no matter how massive and involved, no matter how incomplete and struggling, can align themselves properly and follow their natural paths without a lot of effort, basking in the light and the warmth of your own central furnace of fulfillment. You can look good, feel good, dress good, act good all because you feel good inside and not in order to feel good inside. He who is truly free is free within. Then you can experience that lightness of being so characteristic of a joyous soul. The quality known to prophets and saints, mystics and holy men. Holy in the sense of whole and healthy.

So if I could leave my daughter with one message, it would be that I love her for who she is, not for who she should be or who she should become or who she may never ever be and maybe never should be, either. My approval and love and acceptance of her come first, last and everywhere in between.

I believe this is the message that God has given to us: No matter what you do. No matter how far you stray. No matter what trouble you get yourself into. Whether you succeed or fail. Excel or just barely crawl along. No matter what heights or depths. No matter what the trial or the obstacle without or within. No matter what enters your life: pain, despair or great foolishness... Yet shall I love thee.